when i was a kid, i would look up at the clear night sky and look at all of the stars. i remember always making wishes on them. wishing for happiness, love and success. as i grew older, those wishes became more grim. i would wish just to make it through the night, relief from my pain, hope for a better tomorrow. things were really hard for me. i would have anxiety attacks and stress over nothing. i was completely a prisoner of my fears. i was stuck in the dark with no stars, no light. it took real harsh consequences for me to finally see the stars again. i was homeless, jobless and only 62$ in my back account when i made the biggest wish i had ever made. i had moved to houston to restart my life and was out for a run one of my first nights there. i had finished my run, was cooling down, and looked up at the stars. there was a star that looked bigger than all the rest, it was very beautiful and it reminded me of the stars that i would see when i was a kid. i swelled up with feelings remembering my childhood self and how i had lost my way. that night i made a wish on that wishing star. i wished that i wold never go back to the life i had lived and to live the life i was meant to live. so far, that wish has come true. since that night life has taken me through many experiences that i am grateful for, good and bad. i look forward to what life has in store for me and i will continue to live the life i know i am meant to live.
i remember the days when i used to be the person people wanted me to be. i was always seeking outside love and validation to ease my own sense of existence. i thought i had to be this perfect person in order for people to give me that. i thought anything less than the standards of having a good paying job, looking a certain way, the people i hung out with and the way that i spoke would make me imperfect. as i was in this phase of my life, i became completely miserable and complacent. i had created this fake perfect person that i hated. when i finally came to of what i was doing, i had no idea who i was. i didn’t know what i liked to do, my own beliefs, what made me me. what i realized is the imperfections that i have essentially make me me. i’m not talking about negative things, i’m talking about things that are outside of the norm like being loving without a reason, sharing my experiences and being vulnerable. i know that it is a bit hard for people to do these things because they have learned it is not normal to do them. i am content with the concept of being imperfectly perfect because it gives me a reason and purpose to live. through it, i have found who i am, where i want to go, and who i want to be.
there have been several times in my life where i have felt in a rut. it can last for a few days or a few months. i know, through experience, that these ruts don’t last forever. usually i get in this mind set because i am not centered within myself. i am usually chasing something outside of myself because i am feeling discontent, angry, sad or some type of negative based emotion. trying to find happiness outside of myself. i can honestly say, that i have been in a rut the past few months because i have been chasing a fantasy, a fantasy that i have been wanting for the past few years. it has been painful, but like always, there is an inevitable awakening to it. what i’ve realized is that when i have a lot of love to give, i am most likely not giving enough to myself. i know that i have steered off course for a bit, and that’s okay. life is an experience, there is no right or wrong way to do it. i am just happy that i am aware enough to look at my behavior, have the willingness to take a step back, take a breath and make a conscious choice to change. happiness comes from me and only me. through my actions and my purpose, i will live a life that i want to live.
i was a shell of a person, created by the beliefs of society. i had no original beliefs nor did i have authentic actions. everything was so automated in my life and this lead to a depressing existence. i turned to outside things to try and relieve the feeling of despair. the more that i got older, the more that the sadness would sink in. i was floating around in a seamlessly unfulfilling life and no idea how to make it worthwhile. there was turning point when i started learning about the power of the words, i am. i am was a pivotal tool to help me obtain a sense of self. anything that i put after “i am”, i can become. the more that i practice using “i am” in my everyday language, the easier it becomes for me to believe the words i put after it. i am peaceful, is the most used statement to describe my life to people and especially myself. through the power of i am, i have become the person that i have always wanted to be.
i used to walk through life with a mask on, hiding who i really was. being a chameleon and adapting to my surroundings accordingly, pretending to be someone i was not. i never told anyone how i really felt and who i really was, i just wanted to be loved and accepted. it wasn’t until i learned about vulnerability that i started to come out from behind the mask that i created and started to live more authentically. i have come to a point in my life where i am always vulnerable. i am not ashamed to be who i am and i am fearless in all of my actions. i don’t hold back much these days, nor do i try to hide who i really am. it has taken a lot of practice and discomfort in order for me to be always vulnerable. i have met the most wonderful people through this process and also have learned to become the person that i want to be.
my life has been an ongoing set of experiences that i have come to understand. there have been many lessons and things learned over the course of my 28 years. i have cried, i have laughed and i have loved. all of the experiences i have gotten to have have made me the person i am today. the greatest understanding is i get to share experience. this has been the driving force of all aspects of my life, especially developing relationships with people. the more that i share my experience with people, the more i can relate to them and make a genuine connection with them. for them to to see the commonality that we all share, the essence of being human. i also get to teach people through sharing my experience. give them knowledge, my perception that i have of life. the habits and thinking that works for me, the things that help me live a peaceful existence.
i can not express how significant change is for me in my life. without it, i wouldn’t be the person that i am now sharing my perspective and experiences. my life is an ongoing change of beliefs, experiences and emotions. if i allow myself not to accept this truth, i wouldn’t be able to grow. i’ve found the most joy i get out of life is when i get to look back and reflect on the person that i used to be and the person that i can be. i had a moment this morning when i woke up, that my life has completely changed in the past 2 years. i had no idea that my life would be what it is when i moved to Los Angeles. i have had amazing life experiences, met great people that i am happy to call friends and all of the emotions i have felt.
life is too short to not have fun. i used to get caught up in all the stress and worry, that i never realized that i wasn’t living for me. i was living for other people’s expectations and that wasn’t the way that i wanted to live i see other people in my life doing that, being a good worker, a good lover, a good son or whatever. trying to live up to other’s expectations in order for them to feel like their life has value. i can relate to that because i was once in those shoes of seeking outside acceptance. today, i walk around with a light heart and try to have as much fun as i can. it may look like spending time with friends, creating work that i enjoy, dancing to music or just being by myself. i can find playfulness in everything i do, i just remind myself that the moment that i am experiencing won’t last forever and to just enjoy it.
pain is a cornerstone of growth. every time that i have been in a space of hurt, i have always learned something valuable to implement into my life. i wasn’t always like this though. i would keep myself in constant pain because i was told that’s how life is suppose to be. the most monumental experience came from an abusive romantic relationship i experienced when i was in my early twenties. i allowed myself during that time period to be emotionally and physically abused because i thought thats what love was suppose to be. i was told i was loved and that the only reason i was being treated that way was because that’s how he expressed love. i believed this because that’s what i had been taught that love is “hard” and “difficult” so i stayed. i was afraid to leave because i didn’t want to be alone, i really today that i was co-dependent. it took a lot of hurt in order for me to have a spirit correct. a correction in perception that allowed me to finally say “i am done” and walk away. having that spirit correct, that experience, has given me the courage to always change when something is not working for me. it’s a little tough to get that point and the work is definitely challenging, but it’s worth the fight.
as i look through the window here in Portland, Oregon, feeling the cool breeze on my skin, it’s hard to grasp that any of this really exists. i have thoughts in the back of my head of what i have to do when i get back to Los Angeles and i feel a brief pain of “why do i have to do any of this?” this question comes to my consciousness from time to time, i think it’s a side-effect of being self-aware and mindful of the world. all of this will pass, i’ll grow older and then i “die”. it’s like nothing’s real. none of this is worthwhile and that there is no point in doing anything, but there is. although nothing’s real in a sense of space, but feelings and experiences, i think, makes it worthwhile. reminding myself of this, eliminates stress in my life and to not take things seriously. it’s a tool that i have come to harness in order to help with negative feelings, none of this real and this too shall pass. the feelings are what matter, but the events will pass and life goes on.