i always used to think magic was something fairytales were made out of. magicians, witches, wizards, those were the only things capable of producing magic. i never quite realized what magic really meant. magic isn’t the spells or curses that i learned about when i was a kid. real magic happens everyday in my life. magic is the first breathe i consciously take in when i wake up. it’s about being present to notice and appreciate the things right in front of me. it’s all about changing my perception and just seeing that everything i see, touch, taste and feel is magic, the good and the bad. viewing my life this way has made it exponentially easier and happier. magic reminds of the innocence i felt when i was a kid and didn’t worry about what life had in store for me. the true magic is i have the knowledge that i get to create a life of my own. i don’t have to follow anyone else’s beliefs or standards, just my own.
i know through any big transition in my life, especially tough ones, i experience some degree of pain. uncertainty, sadness and fear are prevalent feelings when it comes to this type of pain that i get. what I’ve learned through this process, is that everything is temporary. feelings don’t last forever. i used to hold on to these feelings and think that they were who i was. as i experienced more and learned more, is that this wasn’t true. it’s just a growing pain. after every experience, i would learn a little more about myself. the most recent growing pain i have had was that i wasn’t loving myself enough. i was pouring all of my energy and love into something that wasn’t there. it was the first time that i had the opportunity to experience something like that in the headspace i am in these days. it was a good learning lesson for myself because i discovered more about me. i learned about patience, my worth and my time. it took space from the situation to finally see my actions and correct them to get myself back on track. life is a growing experience. i am grateful for each opportunity i get to learn from and grow from.
i grew up with the belief that i had to be strong and not show weakness. i’m not quite sure where i picked that up, maybe in school or maybe when my dad would tell me not to cry that i indirectly picked up that mentality. it would help me pave my way to finding independence at an early age, but i would never ever think of asking anyone for help in anything. i would figure out a way to make things happen myself. whether it be figuring out how to develop a good forehand stroke in tennis, asking about an assignment for class that i had no idea what idea what to do or needing some advice how to deal with my feelings. especially when my mother died, i would not allow myself to reach for help to soothe the grieving and pain that i felt. i heavily drank and used drugs to cope, pretending that i had everything together. that lead me to addiction, that i never fully understood that i was doing. it wasn’t until i was in rehab that i finally allowed myself to accept help. i was scared, confused and had no idea how to live life. it was through the help of my family and new friends, at the time, that allowed me to make it through the roughest time of my life. they taught me how to live and to know that all i have to do is ask for help and i would receive it.
i know that at a point in my life i would hold on to every little thing that someone or something had said or done to me. i would take it personally and internalize it, shaping the way that i viewed my reality. it would be as a little comment like “you look a little rough today” to a true statement as “you’re a little bit out of control.” my reaction to these types of things would be, “oh i’ll fucking show you.” i kept up with that behavior in my early twenties and spiraled out of control big time. mentally, i was completely fucked and had so much resentment towards everyone and everything. it lead into a deep low that i finally had to look at myself and admitted to myself, i can’t do this anymore. i didn’t know about the concept of not taking things personally. everyone has their own set of beliefs and says things that are not intentionally meant to hurt you. it was then that i found out how to let go. at first, it was a bit challenging to not go back to the same behavior of taking things personally, but i had a lot of practice through awareness to let go of these thoughts. the more that i let go, the more that i get to accept positivity. in every moment of my life i have the choice to let go of things that serve me and things that do not. i am happy to let go in order to make space to create the life i want to live.
i remember growing up always believing and doing what i was told. for some reason i don’t ever remembering asking “why?” i know kids are curious and always asking questions, but i think i was conditioned at such a young age to just accept anybody, who had influence over me, to accept what they said as law. i grew up with that mentality through my teens years and succumbed to anything anyone said to me. i had no power of will when it came to things that went against my gut feeling. i would just be a good little boy and did what people told me, so that they would love me. having this type of background going into my early 20s really fueled the fire of never being satisfied. i had no idea who i was, nor did i have any idea of what happiness felt like. i would pretend to be happy, but at the end of the day more misery would just pile up. i think i finally woke up to this fact when i started to better myself. it took me a couple more years to finally get a grasp on who i was and what happiness looked like for me. now that i have an idea of what makes me me, i’m able to implement and discover my will. my will is the things that make me me and make me happy. i am learning new things each day that add to this but my greatest source of who i am, is my compassion. i practice every single day on how to be more compassionate towards other people and to myself. it helps me create relationships with new people, creates a stronger bond with the connections that i have and teaches me to love myself every more.
i remember i would believe all of the negative self-talk that my mind would feed me. “i’m not good enough, there’s no way they actually like you, you’ll never amount to anything,” would constantly be running through my head. the thing is that i believed those words so much, that i became them. i was the embodiment of the negativity that was given to me by the world, the standards that i had to meet, in order to feel like i had any worth. when i became aware that i didn’t have to listen to these things and how untrue they were, i started to work on silencing them. i would pretend that voice didn’t exist and try to push it to the side. what i learned is that it isn’t a very healthy way to deal with that voice. i would push it so hard to the corner that it could comeback at me 100x stronger. i would bottle it all up and then i would be feeling it so much, it would overpower me and i would be a mess. i have practiced enough with that voice nowadays to just welcome negativity. i accept the voice and what it has to say, but i don’t linger. i listen and feel the words, for a moment, then i breathe and remember where i am with my life. i know that i am surrounded by extremely positive things that i know for a fact, i am worthy. the people that i love and the love from myself allows me to believe i am enough.
i always used to look at life in a very glum way, sometimes i still do. the main glum thought that i would have was, “what’s the point in all of this? i’m just going to die anyway.” i used to not question the thoughts that would come into my head and now, i find this thought a bit disturbing when it does cross my mind. i know now that life is worth living and there is point to all of this. i never used to have the faith that everything was okay. i always thought there was some impending doom lurking around the corner, that the odds were always stacked against me. when i had my first experience with realizing i am a tiny speck in time, i found a lot of comfort in that. i know it might seem depressing at first, but it helped me touch eternity. to think that i am very small, but very big at the same time was and is very powerful for me. i use this type of thinking when i am going through a sad, angry or any negative emotional phase. i know it will pass and i have amazing things to look forward to. this is just a very small piece of my life and nothing in the whole existence of time. this thinking has lead me to really great relationships with other people and especially with myself.
i know when i used to go about my day, my actions and intentions would always be based in self-centered/self-seeking motives. what can i get out of this person or situation? can they make me feel good about myself? i never really cared about the reaction of my actions, as long as i was getting what i needed. it was getting to the point of me ruining relationships with people, especially my family. in one of my dark episodes, i was introduced to the word agape. when i heard this for the first time i was shook, so to speak. i googled the word and the definition came up. it was defined as god’s unconditional love or to simply put it, unconditional love. this was the first stepping stone to my living now what i like to call, godly manner. in my day to day life, i try my best to approach everything in a godly manner, react to all things with unconditional love. currently as i am writing this, i am in the midst of a romantic separation. it has been challenging, but i know that there is no reason to let negativity get the best of me. as long as i bring positive energy, unconditional love, into my actions, especially in my own thinking, the healing will be much easier. that why i act in a godly manner, for others and for myself.
i remember the happiest moments of my life is when i would laugh with my mom and brother when i was younger. it was so much fun and there was so much joy that we shared with each other. as i grew up, there was this wall that i built where those moments didn’t happen as much. i guess thats just part of the teenage experience. the biggest blow is when i lost it all completely. i would pretend that i was happy, but deep down i carried around a sadness that i couldn’t shake. i missed those days of laughing about nothing with my mom and brother, i still do. there was a sense of peace, that there was nothing in the world to worry about. i miss that type of joy. these days, now that i have let myself heal and grow, i am able to bring joy into my life and to others. i think the thing that helps me do this is to be kind and compassionate without expectations. if i bring this type of energy into my daily i find, for myself, that i can get a glimpse of that joy that i miss. i want to be just like my mother. i miss her, i miss my joy.
now when i was younger i would always push myself to be the best. i think i did it mostly because i wanted people to love me. i did that up until my mother died. then all of a sudden, i lost my source of inspiration. i got into a lot of negative things. i dropped out of school and started dabbling into the party scene. when i was in that period of my life, i wasn’t motivated to make a better life for myself, and it was pretty bad. i would get drunk or high every night to numb the pain of my meaningless existence. i didn’t care about the people i loved and i didn’t care about myself. it was pure chaos until i was about 24. when i had hit the bottom of the pain, i knew i needed to change. i had pulled my family and friend through a tough ringer of my crazy episodes and i knew that my mom would have not approved of the way i was living. it wasn’t until i started to make meaningful connections with people that i found inspiration to create a bigger life for myself. it was finally getting rid of that pain that i allowed myself to let people in and allow myself to be me. today, i constantly aspire to be a better version of myself. whether it be letting go of bad habits, letting go of relationships that aren’t working for me, doing a random act of kindness, putting more energy into my dreams or telling someone i love you. i know that it is my purpose to create a life worth living and so that is why i continue to grow.